Sita

 Sita

You were ever so lucky

not because you were raised a princess

not because you married Ram

not because you were the one 

instrumental

in Ravana's being gone

You see 

you had your mother 

that you could count on

at all times

in all spaces

Or is it 

that

your tale 

to tell us all 

that Mother Earth 

is all we have?

Problems

 Growing up, problems to me were just math problems or physics problems that I was asked to solve and took a pride in cracking through the logic and formulae. Seemed like a challenge. I bragged about it, talked about it and yes the struggle seemed just fine - even when I couldn't crack through it. 

Later came life - problems of find a job, problems of finding a life partner, equality issues that dealt with, problems with my child - the terrible twos and beyond and beyond. Yea they were all challenges that I got to talk through to friends, forum mates, discussion groups and more. Really, they were challenges - not problems that lasted. 

Looking back, I can surely say that I never got chewed by the problems that I could talk about to friends, problems that seemed like every day things that everyone faced. Then there were problems that were just that - problems that I cannot talk about because that means a judgement call from someone - either I am stupid, I am a bad mom/wife or incompetent or whatever! Personally, I haven't cared about that either. Then came the last class of problems. They ate me, but they involved someone else. Talking about that would mean violating confidentiality, privacy and a whole bunch of other things that I don't have a right to violate. Not only that, I have  very little effect on any of these. Are these problems? How did I acquire them? Did I acquire them? If so, how come I can do nothing about them?

Finally, it dawns on me that the real problems are those that are not under your control. Those that chew you up without giving you a chance to fight against them or even getting help to solve them. 

This can only be made worse when you talk about them, you are asked to either shut up because you are being selfish and dramatic or because it is all your fault - you are weak, you did the wrong thing 100 yrs ago, whatever! Yes, this shuts you up and gives the problem a greater chance to chew you up - like a cancer! 

Given that I have no followers, no readers for this blog.. it gives me great confidence that there will be no one that would comment!

Deepavali

I am looking back through the past 24 yrs and wondering how the whole
celebration of Deepavali has changed for me:
1986: I woke up very early in the morning (was doing my masters then),
wore new clothes etc., called my parents and was so excited when one
of my friends called me at 5 am!
1990: still continued to wear new clothes, celebrated Deepavali mainly
with a get together at the University.
1992-93: New clothes? Whatever! I had to work. Still wished everyone I
knew a very happy deepavali.
1994: My parents called it my "Thalai Deepavali" (only south Indians
can understand this term), that basically means it was my first
deepavali after being married. Basically woke up early in the morning,
went to work and wished all the desis a very Happy Deepavali. Still
missed home and hoped to be there for Diwali sometime.
1998: My daughter was born, to me it was her first Deepavali. My mom
and MIL were both with me. Moreover, I was on FMLA - that means I
wasn't working. Went through the whole routine of Deepavali (except
fire crackers) with lots of sweets, new clothes, even the early
morning oil bath. Even promised my mother that both of us would take
the day off every year, just so that our kiddo would know our heritage
and what not.
1999: My mom was still around. She missed India and Deepavali there.
We celebrated mainly to make her happy.
2000: We had moved to Austin. We had already broken our promise to
take the day off. After all, we needed the days off for vacation
trips, for daughter's sick days, plus both of us had new jobs and no
days of vacation available.
2001-2010: Diwali has mainly meant a call home, sometimes a trip to
the temple, some times a trip to another temple where they do Garba
and have fireworks that weekend. Other times doing Lakshmi pooja at
Chinmaya Mission on the corresponding Sunday. Recently, everything
depends upon how much homework our daughter has. This year I have
started teaching in Chinmaya mission. That means I am telling kids
other than my own about the significance of the festival, even collect
canned food to distribute to the homeless. But somewhere in the back
of my own mind, I feel the shift. A shift that tells me, that may be
Halloween is close enough to Diwali, so why not celebrate Halloween
instead. I do celebrate Halloween, decorate the front yard with skulls
and ghost like figures, give candies to all kids that come home. But
is it the same? Other times I think I should celebrate Deepavali on
Dec 25, since I cannot relate to Christmas, except that it is a
holiday. I do celebrate Christmas too, I keep a tree, buy some gifts
and even travel to new places around that time, since we get the week
off.

Sorry to leave everyone confused by my recap of how the festival has
changed for me, or in other words how I have aged.

Dogs and me

Before I begin, I must say that I don't hate animals. But I certainly have no natural tendency to pick up one and cuddle with it either.

I do believe that every animal has its right to its freedom. I hate caging animals. I also do believe that keeping animals that really should belong in the wild in the confines of a home is not right. I also hate any type of cruelty to animals. I was raised as a strict vegetarian and I raise my child the same way, not because of religious restrictions, but rather because the thought of killing an animal to have a meal bothers me at the bottom of my stomach.

Having said all the above, the things that bothers me the most about dogs is that they come after me, lick me, sometimes bark at me and what not. I don't like any of this. I never see wild deer (a common sight from my backyard and bedroom) do that. They look at me like I could be coming after them or something. I look at their doe-eyes, feel amused, wave to them, sometimes insanely trying to tell them that I am indeed a nice person who doesn't believe in hurting them. No, they don't try to reply to me, instead they flee. Now, with dogs it is quite different. At times I feel that the humans have domesticated the dogs s much that the dogs can no longer stand the fact that there could be human beings who don't want to come near them, who don't like their salivating mouths or their sniffs. The dogs seem to sincerely believe that the job of every human being is to adore the dogs, play with them and amuse them. And the dog owners think the same way.

I live in a neighborhood where there is no leash law for dogs. Moreover, we have a number of nature trails and green-belt area surrounding us that are welcoming grounds for dog owners from all of Austin, practically. Our neighborhood played host to quite a few dog walks, which is like a marathon for dogs, done for a cause; except that this is not a competition.

One evening, I decided to go on a walk. It was a bit late for other neighbors to be wandering around. For some reason, our neighborhood does not have too many children playing during evening hours. May be they are all too studious, have homeworks to complete or perhaps they play in some other neighborhood. My daughter, who I was hoping would walk with me, decided to use her bicycle and enjoy the ride, rather than the slow walk when her mom could use the time to bug her about various things. When I must have been barely 200 yards from my house, I saw this black dog, the kind of dog that Harry Potter readers would naturally think it is the Grimm. The dog was not only leashless, it was also ownerless. He seemed to know the place so well that he did not look around to think that he was lost. That is, until he saw me. My natural reaction was to talk to him and ask him to stay away from me. The funny thing is that the more I told the dog to stay away from me, the more he wanted to come upon me. He started doing the usual dog things, licking, wagging the tail, circling me in spite of my not wanting to be anywhere close to him. I even screamed. He still did not get a clue that I didn't want him near me, or perhaps he demanded that I as a human being had no option but to play with him. After about 5 min of screaming (seemed like an eon though!) and dog-dancing, I saw the car of a neighbor. Obviously, she was a dog owner and knew exactly what to do with a lost dog. She looked for the information on his collar, called the owner and also made sure he got into her car. What a relief! Perhaps no one relates to my feeling. After all this, my ten-year-old made her appearance on her bicycle, after circling the neighborhood. As it turned out, this dog had decided to take a walk all by himself. Well, if he decided to be so independent, I wonder why he wanted my company? I always wonder what dogs think about human beings.